nccotus

all my old friends from Harvard-Radcliffe College went on to high places.

I spent two years in and out of a state hospital and moved into a countercultural MO.

Alex and I used to talk about moving off the grid to a place in the desert. I was fed up with society.

but we made a baby and had to return back East. I was not able to reconnect and my family disdained me.

Then, Hopkins.

They put my mother in charge. Everybody just stood by and let them do it. It was the craziest thing ever done under the auspices of Psychiatry.

I hobbled away wounded to death and had to swallow her preferred diagnosis, bipolar. Which never explained anything, she just liked how it silenced me.

my paper diagnosis was rendered already at Reading Hospital R1 in the 80’sm both doctors said i was, a) “deeply disturbed,” and b) borderline personality disorder, which totally explains the laundry list of diagnoses, the drinking and drugs and sex at college that were screwing uo my life, the rage reactions the sexual abuse, it all fits that profile. Also Major Depression and Major Anxiety completes the picture. It would have been nice for my mother if she could roll out that palliative excuse for me–a manic depressive writer–but it just wasn’t true. I had ti refuse the lithium when I git out if the hospital to make that point. And, the tricyclic antidepressant started working and I was so seriously depressed that this was a matter of life and death for me; and she blew it off. The lithium worked

a little on the depression and I resumed it on the advice of my psychiatrist in Buffalo when I returned there from the hospital in Buffalo. Which they wouldn’t know because they never asked.

the doctor in Germantown, Maryland, when we moved there, said the lithium wasn’t working; so I stopped it. I had no support.

6 years later my father and Alex got a doctor to force me to take lithium, and, as always I got a thyroid and a hypertension issue. The doctor took it away again without an apology, that time the thyroid and high blood pressure were permanently out of order.

This battle has literally consumed my life like the flames of a bonfire. There is just nothing left.

dishonest motives in others are the flames that disable and disfigure me. I have been fighting so hard for such a long time for peace in my heart soul and mind. And my baby’s safety. Against people who obscure my motives and make me out to be evil, to gain a little for themselves,

so, my old friends couldn’t help. Anybody who I tried to help got scourged by the flames. People just knew not to, then finally, someone from Kent School reached out and I started to live a little again and try to find my way.

more recently, a lawyer helped me get some alimony that was owed to me and that battle encouraged me to fight against Hopkins. That went on for 7 years about suing Hopkins and I finally had to drop it, but it is fine if someone else wants to pick up that gauntlet.