nccotus

I am over this now hut it is still all over me.

I sat in the dining room in Seminole under the bright white light if the glass chandelier and saw the bugs under my skull cap.

that was when the real fear set in.

I still believe they are in there at times.

after treating the house and the apartment for lice, I took all my Klonopn and Risoerdol just so that I could lay down, and instantly thought better of it. And Alex called and they got me to an ER.

this is a period in my life that I do not revisit.

but it pertains to my walk today.

I have a burning sensation under my skin, in my veins?

Before I left Florida there was another sewage water backup into the tiled family room and i called to get it cleaned out and then just left. I went to an inexpensive motel and took a tea tree soap shower that made my skin tingle and itch super hard all over and when I got out I started digging my skin where it ditched and found weird stuff under my skin; probably from the first time the sewage overflowed and I pranced around in my bare feet cleaning it up. That was the day of the Bucs first Superbowl win.

Weird things happen in Florida.

it’s just so hot.

and wild.

so I found little black round things with little trails next to them, excruciatingly itchy then, it felt so good to get them out. In the joints of my hands and feet. I knew not to stop until I got it all out. Then, I went to the ER in Clearwater all torn up and bloody. I was able to demonstrate to the ER doctor about the crud under my skin and he did not commit me. He gave me two antibiotics and sent me back to the motel. They were kind enough to let me stay for another week. This was the last gasp of my divorce.

I tore up everything, my hands, feet, face, arms, kneecaps.

I landed back in PA still actively preoccupied with the phobia and scared to go to a hotel further or a nice apartment and ended up in a rat hole where I was paying premium rent.

I had so many issues.

Ian was already here.

I was supposed to go to Buffalo,

Given that I stayed in PA, I was supposed to go to Quakertown.

but I didnt make it.

it’s all so sad.

but it’s almost the New Year and my last chance to “Accentuate the positive!” That was last years resolution. Also (my father said) “Eliminate the negative!” That’s an old song, he said.

so a fascination has remained there, I guess I need to let go of that and “Let’s the Lord make me holy” –that is the resolution for thus coming New Year’s 2026. Also 2024’s resolution has been included all year: “Worry less!”

it was worry that fueled that phobia, worry, anxiety, and negativity over the sexuality issues that were plaguing me back then that are all going out of me after quitting a sick masturbation habit in 2003 with the help of a couple of therapists who led me to go another better way b in my heart soul and my , the fruit here us that I am now smoking only one cigarette every two hours and showering

every other day without fail so far after decades of struggling to get showered.

so, there are reasons for the worst things we do.

like letting my teeth fall out. No money and afraid of the dentist. Its probably too late for my teeth.

St. Apollonia, patron saint of dental work, got all of her teeth knocked out as she was being martyred.

people expect certain things of others who ask to be kept in mind and I have failed in this compunction and it so hurts me to see that I have so failed in this regard in my sons view.