nccotus

I have borne the brunt of punishment opportunities in my family for the longest time.

when Claire’s horse died after she went away to Smith College they put the pain on me. Put down my cat, said he ran away. I grieved for years.

they also put an act of service on me to hold on for her for her Smith College education as I sat in the oily smoke fumed garage with my cigarettes when I was homeless after the state hospital.

I was like the Oprah Winfrey character in The Color Purple who was pressed into service for 17 years of a white woman she hauled out and punched.

I finally have realized that the underlying issue was that I had beaten up my mother when I got out of the state hospital the first time. It was an uncontrollable reaction that I couldn’t help I but nobody else saw it that way. Their guilt feelings made them see it that way. I was all but tortured to death.

Recently it was my bankruptcy.

when I was a kid, it was my brother. Awful Christmases when he was being given coals.

I don’t know what it is going to take to turn this person (my father) around. My mother is gone and so is Steven. Claire will b probably go soon too if my father doesn’t quit fostering her ill agenda.