nccotus

can you imagine?

it was bad enough that I had Tourettes Syndrome. (My new, presumed d diagnosis.) Along with the crippling lesion left of my nose presumed pressing on nerves in my face. And the busted crotch from being kneed there by my brother around age 5. Not to mention presumed infant torture. NONE of this was ever even touched on in 42 years of psych treatment.

instead I was presumed a paranoid schiz after the malpractice at Hopkins and was never even told it.

meanwhile I was working with the limited playbook of a person with Tourettes syndrome masked by horrific OCD. Forced to return to Doctors, psych wards and psych counsel because I had become dependent upon the psych meds and had to play the ego game in order to be supplied with them.

Tourettes Syndrome involves perseverance thoughts, movements, and speech. For instance I had the recurring image of swallowing the contents of the toilet bowl when I went to flush. And fired out numbers when I was too distressed to speak. I had a lot if classic OCD especially placement of things, such as on the bathroom counter but some of it is only covered as Tourettes Syndrome. The doctor on the psych ward diagnosed Tourettes Syndrome when I was 3 1/2 months pregnant and staying off the meds (which sometimes masked symptoms like Tardive Dyskinesia, also likely an issue, a problem with the older antipsychotic meds involving involuntary movements–lip smacking, “pill-rolling,” and the like.) The unit psychologist called me “the worst case of obsessive compulsive disorder he had ever seen.” The doctor also ventured possible Parkinsons but that never went anywhere.

at Hopkins they ditched all of this and the psychiatrist argued with my symptoms, saying he dreaded to come to my room. He rendered Major Depression which was TRUE. And necessary but he didn’t stand behind it. It was about a quarter of the picture but then he said I would be getting a second opinion and in the exit interview he turned me over to my crazy mother. The next doctor on the unit diagnosed me as bipolar and then got mad at me for being too ill and exhausted to be her grand rounds patient and followed me as a paranoid schizophrenia (to the best of my current understanding of the situation that has prevailed until TODAY, thirty-one years later.)

in the meantime time I continued to function as a.) The “As-If” Harvard graduate and b.) Habits of a life-long invalid in the absence of a reasonable diagnosis and living the prognosis without one; in other words the cart was pushing the horse in the most wasteful way. TODAY, I have BRAIN DAMAGE from meds and overdoses and ATROPHY from laying around helpless on the wrong meds, spinning my wheels in abeyance from the life that I was blocked from through the misinterpretation of my illness. Specifically I wanted to be a mother to my son but needed help and got the opposite in the most painful way.

through all these challenges I gained a diagnosis of PTSD for my efforts.

The Lord can do anything He wants. I gained a strong catholic Christian faith and transcended the Tourettes Syndrome. It continues to show up at times as when it showed up yesterday and I was finally able to see that this really is a serious issue for me. I have compared myself to an MR case before but this is the ticket.

I finally understand about the masturbation woes.

I quit in 2003 but it took a long time for those thoughts and images to go out of my head.

these days I am sex free. Alcohol free. Not a lot of pleasures but I do enjoy the pristine feeling and my cigarettes endorsed to me by the almighty living God.