nccotus

My patent Christian faith was found recently in a passage from John:  John 20: 31:  “But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.”

In other words, Jesus’s works were astonishing even at that time and not just an old-fashioned form of medicine as I used to sort of think.

So I have been experiencing such a fantastic healing in His name.

The worst was where it  started in my parents’ garage with the sound triggers.  The freight train a 1/4 mile away ripping through the night and day with a siren as well as the heavy charge of the weight that it was carrying crashing by.  And I was out there undefended.  I grew to love that garage, a place where I could hold on to my mother and father for a bit, even though it was destroying me.  It was the Tegretol.  I understand this now,  every so  often I had a pure sweet moment where I was “integrated.”  But then I went for weeks in abeyance in the most horrible way.  Noises set me off.  Gradually my mind was taking itself apart  continuing the work started by the “Patsy S Problem ” at the Lodge Program at the state hospital.  I didn’t see it that way at the time; now I do.  It was horrifying to me to see my life slipping through my fingers that way:  months turned into years as my life went by me.  “A bit part in somebody else’s novel.”  Pavlov’s dog.  “Fantastically multiplied irony.”  I also had visual triggers.  Almost anything could set me off.

Alex walked into this situation and did the right thing.  He took me out of that garage and fed me and got me showering.   I told him about Patsy and he harbored that for me:  that I didn’t want to let go of that until I figured out what the heck was going on there.  Which I now have:  Mc Cormack at the Lodge Program was being PAID to do that to me.  It was supposed to kill me.

The rest can be guessed at.

I was all but dead when I met Alex.  He took me out of that garage and made something out of me.  Whether he meant to or not:  off of the dung heap. Out of the trash.