nccotus

there is pain and then there is utter derangement.

they say that sleep deprivation is one of the worst forms of torture.

in 2003 I went three weeks without sleep when I suddenly stopped the Zyprexa, one of the first “newer” anti-psychotic medications, because someone called me “odd.” I instantly felt better but then the posturing and OCD set in in the most bizarre and intense way.

my ex called in my mother, which was the worst thing he could possibly do.

I was working with an in home care giver and my mother was trying to suggest to him right in front of me that I was sexually abusing my son.

I ended up fleeing with the pet mouse to Tampa, where I ended up on a psych ward (the mouse went to a nurse). For two more weeks I couldn’t sleep. My cat in PA was dying at the age of 20. A nurse tried to hold me to protest the medication but I was too exhausted and she was very disappointed in me. I would have died without sleep, I was getting horrible pain in the back of my head. So, I agreed to take the antipsychotic medication. I can’t remember now which one the doctor used. The nurse felt I was better off without it. As I said, she was very disappointed.

so I slept; and morphed into an overblown inappropriate professional psych patient under the guidance of a doctor who did not know how to help me and was trying really hard where others had abandoned the cause, in other words nobody else in town would see me.

Later, his office manager would call me a psychopath; which touched a nerve. “If it’s mentionable it’s manageable.”

on the psych ward i did finally start sleeping again but when I got out of the hospital, I couldn’t defecate because of the pain in the back of my head, This turned into a fifteen year journey ending with a nearly fatal Lamictal overdose after which I was finally appropriately treated in this regard here in PA. In the meantime, I fell into an ambulatory coma for four years smoking four packs of cigarettes a day sitting in the kitchen in our house in Seminole drinking ice water from the fridge and sitting by the small open window with a fan to draw out the smoke. Ian went to boarding school. I was taking Soma for a pinched nerve in my back caused during the traumatic child birthing. It was discovered when my head started jerking to the right when I was driving. (There was also a pinched nerve In my neck.)

So, yes, pain such as I described in my last post is very serious but this brutal suffering in broad daylight and when I was in my prime was obscene. Florida is cowboy country. I got so ill there. People were trying to help but I just didnt know how to reach back.

the return to PA has been awful because my family declined to welcome me back and I was so ill. I was practically falling down in the rental office in Easton and ended up paying top dollar for an apartment with rotting out windows and a dozen bags of trash out back just desperate to be out of the hotel. Then Hurricane Sandy struck. And the heating already didn’t work anyway. Since then I have been living in a dreamworld. I pissed off an old friend.

“Oh baby baby it’s a wild world. Hard to get by just upon a smile girl.”