nccotus

always a stupid move

at a young age it was suggested to me.

and before I landed in the ICU in 1986, my mother gestured to the two vials of psych meds she had just put in the bathroom med cabinet. I knew subliminally that that meant to take them. I wrote a note on toilet paper and took all the pills. Mellaril and Ativan. Or was it Elavil? I don’t remember now. It was not a well move. My heart always ached me after that. My blood pressure and heart rate were slow. For decades.

My mother did that to prove I was suicidal so that they would put me at Wernersville. She got what she asked for in spades. Something horrible happened to me to n the ICU after that. I call it the ghoul epiphany

A young woman all but dead with her pud destroyed.

i will probably never know what her take on that was. A woman near to me said “it’s supposed to hurt.”. (I had said, “It hurts.”). It could have been her saying it . Then they took the catheter out of me and let me sleep for awhile. I passed out and went to oblivion. I probably died and came back again.

something made me get up and get in the wheel chair and be wheeled back to the psych ward. They should have just let me die. I flashed awake and had a seminormal day. Then I sank again. Everyone was scared.

i found a book and took myself back to my room and took cover in the book until they came to take me to Wernersville. “The Pied Piper” by Neville Shutte, (s?) a WWII novel.

I stayed horribly suicidal after that. Wanted to finish off the job.

Then,I realized people wanted to take my life and I started to stand up to defend it!

I had a child?!!