nccotus

i finally see my mother back in Cambridge in 1985 and 1986 when I lost it and then landed at Wernersville State Hospital in Berks Coünty, PA.

she let out my cat and let her get pregnant.

she let me get on a plane to San Francisco to Sally’s place for Thanksgiving where I wasn’t wanted. I came back to Cambridge in a panic and the shit the fan.

i understand now that parents can never really give you a stone no matter what it looks like.

at Wernersville, I was in Heaven. Those strange creatures appealed to my soul. The first time around. The second and third time around it was different. I realized that they were real people. At the Lodge Program there–which I hated to to go to–I got some help and character formation that were well warranted.

After a lifetime of rolling around reading fiction. I was watched over as I slept. I took no alcohol. I ate nutritious food in a regular way and maintained an appropriate weight. I socialized appropriately except for a relationship that should have been asexual but there was a pain issue that was causing me to make it sexual. This relationship caused me to be endangered throughout my life. It followed from a relationship that occured the first time when I didn’t know what I was doing.

The upshot was that I became physically violent with my mother. What I am suddenly seeing is that “no good deed goes unpunished.”. That was why that happened to her. She secreted me in a safe place that I needed all my life but it horribly hurt my life force and strength and ego how it happened. I didn’t understand myself what happéned. I knew I was fd àfter that. But I met a man and married him. All sorts of things came out after that. And I was able to live.

They needed to figure that at Johns Hopkins and didn’t.

My mother was a beautiful women. Hopkins left us at odds. I needed her help. She infantilized me when I needed to be a woman. And wouldn’t relinquish that moment and let it pass. It was all fd up what they did about that. I felt like I got put in a foodprocesser. Served up for dinner at everybody’s behest.

I needed my dignity and self respect. After decades of abuse in this regard.

It was my father who was at fault here. Had ulterior motives. To cover up his own crimes and misdemeanors.

thus all needs to be let go now.

Wernersville was to the good for me. I met with a battle there that formed my charaçter over time. I do not need to revisit it. My father did help me with that at the time. My mother made the right choice by putting me there.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Time heals all wounds.

Also, the Lord continues to work in mysterious ways.