nccotus

when I first sought psych help and became seriously ill (in that order) my older brother, Steve, talked to me about “the problem.”. I was not sure what he was trying to say.

looking back from 45 years later (he is dead now) I do see “the problem” my own way.

My mother is also dead.

She was the problem but nobody was to know it. I was there to cover it over.

There was something wrong with my mother.

my brother made a spectacular jump from a clifftop in Maui in 2018, my mother followed in early 2020 with a mixed up death through a fall/seizure/stroke in her own living room. I have been hospitalized and then on an ALF floor much of the time since then. I am out now but not very safe.

it was the most frightening thing in the world to realize, back in the 80’s, that my mother was neurologically deficient like her diagnosed younger brother in a state hospital back home in England; and nonetheless had authority over me in a desperate, difficult, and fragile moment! I no longer loved her after that but fought for my life instead and regarded her as hostile to my cause to live and suddenly I had a little boy to take care of. It has been long serious dangerous moment. The last 5 years since her death notwithstanding.

i was in a state hospital over a serious suicide attempt. back in the 80’s. I never really got out. In my head.

“the problem” now is to get over it about my mother and brother and get rid of their version of the problem and be in it for me and mine now. It’s no so easy as it may seem. They come to me from purgatory. Anyway my mother does. Every so often I get a glimmering of Steven. My understanding of purgatory is that you go there for a while after death to be cleansed of your since with a hope of Heaven. In other words I am not saying I think they wént to Hell.