nccotus

in a perfect world I would have had the sense to ask Austin to take over the Presidency at the beginning of the second semester, in other words fall term Senior year; and he would have accepted. Instead, demons beset me and I did some really stupid things that made trouble for so many people.

As today, there were so many dangerous public situations at that time-AIDS, Mutually Assured Destruction, Apartheid, the Sexual Abuse craze. It was a difficult and fearful time. I sensed these things around me but they weren’t really present to my mind as I was a sinking ship all by myself. Just the other day I turned to the rendition of the transfiguration in one of the gospels and was reminded of how unimportant I and my dilemmas are next to Jesus and what was going on on that mountaintop and in similar situations. I needed a dose of humility.

Instead they got it all wrong back in Summit New Jersey and my mother called me arrogant for not agreeing to her point of view that I improved the Advocate. I knew that some people were saying that. There was a twisted cord there that had to be uncoiled right for everybody’s egos to come out okay and my mother and the suburban Jewish divorcee psychologist just adored to call me a spoiled brat behind my back and over my head for anything I tried to say to make it come out right. So many people in high places touched on this situation and it was very scary and bad to be on the wrong side of this situation. At the engineering firm where I took a temp sec’y job that summer all the regular employees hated me and made no effort to hide it. I was sweating profusely and stuttering. Although I loved it there. Stamping blueprints of baseball fields and wastewater treatment plants and the like. Preparing to meet my ex almost a decade later.

it was owned by two lovely older Baptist Christians who took an interest in me and tried to help.

So, I smoked. Several packs a day. In those days it was permitted. For me it’s like Crack cocaine. But, legal and affordable. And, equally addictive. And, unlike cocaine, it has a positive benefit, my theory is that the Holy Spirit inheres in the fire when you go to light the cigarette and in the burning ember that is the lit head of the cigarette. Such that–when used properly–smoking is holy and pure. So long as you are willing to put out the cigarette if it genuinely bothers somebody.

back to the Advocate. We were all smokers back then. It really was part of the literary image. I took that to a fault. Couldn’t help it. My mother never let me go without a cigarette, to a fault. Don’t really know what to say about this. She knew about the article in the Harvard Crimson about the Advocate where they cameod my smoking. Maybe she read it. She wasn’t always straightforward with me in how she handled things.

So, I have gotten the smoking under control now, outdoors only, trying to pull it back from the steady walk to the benches on the street outside the home, which–surprise!!- I left two weeks ago. So i am smoking less here where I have peace to call my own shots and keep my thoughts organized.

i guess this last is what needed to be said here. I have fixed my major problems and am praying for my safety here and wherever else the Lord may take me .