nccotus

an undergraduate literary magazine,

They won’t let me go even after 42 years.

They claim I ruined them.

finally I have the gumption to stand up to this abuse.

they ruined a beautiful writer.

They ruined my personality.

When they were through with me I could hardly speak and I was sweating profusely all of the time and I was seeing everything in black and white. Things were sort of like that back then but this was an extreme case.

Then I became suicidal over the lousy care that I got into when I sought the help of MH professionals back home in New Jersey. This was not the work but of the Advocate crew but it was incidental to it. I never really got back on track.

I felt guilty and responsible for harming the magazine and the organization and some of the people involved. But, what about me? My life was all but lost! They just accepted that this kindly Samaritan stepped in and solved their problems for a year at great cost to herself without a thought of a reward.

I was stuck. They called me a figurehead. I was like a glue that held everything together until the year turned over and order could be restored with a fresh incoming board which is what happened.

I was busy skipping classes and writing a long prose poem surrounding a high school English teacher’s psychological auto eroticism. It would have been my option 3 creative writing honors thesis if things had been been in proper order which they weren’t.

so, I spun my wheels for 42 years trying to write from a place of stress and discouragement.

I am thinking of trying to get this work published. Mostly the poetry.