nccotus

at the time I met Alex I was a student of color psychology and numerology. I had picked up a book on color psychology that my mother’s psychiatrist friend had left with her decades before and, as a former high school math prize winner and also a former state hospital patient I was free associating meanings to numbers. This got the better of me on the California highways where I got lost in an OCD world of free associating to the colors of cars and the numbers and letters of license plates as I drive for hours to get out of the house. In other words, it got so I couldn’t stop doing it.

The psychiatrist in Maryland looked at me like I was a whore when I told him about this. It went back to my relationship at the state hospital. I clung to this doctors mind like a rock. It was so scary to be back East. It was so scary what had happened to me. I struggled to quit free—associating to license plates.

later, in Florida, Alex blocked me from praying the Lord’s Prayer when I was doing it to stop him from errantly controlling my mind. I had had a habit of firing out rude and insulting words to release the frustration of my weird mental condition. At that moment I started using numbers instead. It was like a weird form of prayer. There were meanings to some of numbers over time but generally they were random. It sounded like I was cursing. It was a very bizarre thing that my fellow Floridians had to cope with. Maybe this will get back to them. It was replaced with worse things and, ultimately, the psychotic bug phobia that lasted for about 6 years and here I am today free of all of it.

what I need here is a little bit of grace.