nccotus

because of infant torture I was weird about Love.

there were two men in high school and college whom I fell so sweetly in love with but it turned to evil.

I finally understand about my ex, Alex, in this regard. We were both so in love in Perris, CA—lol! A dystopic Paris honeymoon, my parents honeymooned in Paris and then a working honeymoon in the US for a year that turned into a lifetime.

I was so ill. Everything was so distorted. But looking back I can see the Love. It was just the two of us under the eaves of that small home in the outlying areas of that strange town, with a fenced in yard and a small woods behind us and a working train museum behind that. It was like the golden California sunlight shot through the roof in such a beautiful healing way.

I always worried about those two men I hurt in high school and college, I probably hurt myself the worst, I publicly harmed them, it was mostly bizarre about me. I just wanted them to know that it was love that led me to act that way. Love in a physically and mentally and emotionally harmed being. I guess they probably knew this. Or figured it out later.

It was similar with my ex.

as the years go by I figure him! Differently!

I heard he was an FBI agent when I was on one of the TBH wards in Reading, then they food poisoned me and I was ill for weeks and I lost that thread. The rest was obviated through this. Any other history he may have had was cleansed.

makes sense of things, like that he offered me a job with the CIA the night we met! lol! I was terrified!