nccotus

I was bad in Allentown from the start because of a eprelationship with a local celeb whom I ran alongside of at the Berks County state hospital. She had me blindsided and took advantage. She followed me everywhere I went afterwards by always having been there ahead of me from California to Maryland to Florida back to Allentown again. She gave me a very bad name for doing something I couldn’t help and used me for it. I felt so bad abiut it and she used me for that too, I was always aware of her holding on through me and Alex.

I saw Dr. Paul Gross in Allentown after we moved to Florida and he was a real a-hole to me. He was a Hopkins doctor and that was why I chose him. In the partial program after I went to his psych ward I talked about my cat, the one my mother had out down to punish me over my sister’s losing her 20 year old horse to death by natural causes after she went away to college. I grieved hysterically for several years. Supposedly the cat was hit by a car and they found the remains in the road. I don’t buy this. She looked at me quizzically to see if I was crying. He keft behind his faithful brother and it was so painful for me to see, they had been inseparable. They made me responsible for her pain this way. They were and are irresponsible assholes. It’s like they try to make me responsible for natural causes in life ie original sin. Ie a pound of flesh. I had to cater to Claire after that. I met Alex and got out of there.

a few years later I had my own birthing experience with Ian. We both would have died in childbirth without medical help. I went to the cats in my dream that night. I woke up feeling like I was in a psych ward. I think I almost died.

they sneered at me at the partial program I went to after Paul Gross’s psych ward. Maybe it would have helped if I had known to talk about clan Chattan, clan of the cat. At the time I was bewildered by the negativity I experienced. Ultimately he said, “Go back to Florida.” More or less in those exact words. Point blank. It was like Hopkins. They told me to go home, pretending I had a choice to go to my parents knowing perfectly well I didn’t and that they were fostering a move back to Alex who was the only chance of home I had.

In a pinch the always sent me back to Alex. That was in the books. We were conjoined. Man and wife. We had a kid together. Mortal law.

I am forgiving myself right now for doing his to him. Making him take care of me. He stepped up to the plate. I had that option to obligate him that way. Like Henry hauer at the Dvorak shelter in Tampa said. There was no shame in going back to him. We took vows. The judge warned us of the seriousness of these vows. I know about vows.

he knew what he was up against. I know better than to try to make it easier on him.

Zydek knew what to do, he made him jealous. So he knew what he had. He just didn’t know how to hold on to me, now he has lost me.