nccotus

Fighting with a diagnosis of schizophrenia that put the cart before the horse.

I have coped with this all my life.

what with the lesion on my face causing a blank affect as peoole turned away from me and walked on.

and the pud damage from being kneed in the crotch left me sexually absent. Then a weird turn of fate left my father without a sense of smell and he literally didn’t have the sense not to leave me sitting in the dirty garage to smoke and through this MY sinuses got seriously harmed and now I don’t have a good sense of smell.

I remember how he faded from view and appeared deaf after the sinus surgery that left him bereft. In my case the damage played into the game to put me away for life as a person without human worth. A schiz who wouldn’t accept the honor of that diagnosis like in the movie “A Beautiful Mind”. It would have been lovely only it wasn’t strictly true. If that was the case there were other things pertinent more like a broken keg that needed to be immediately addressed. Instead of triaged off the front burner.

for instance my father is a Narcissist and suffers from serious OCD and never received appropriate diagnosis and treatment in this regard. Similarly, my brother died a suspicious death before receiving treatment he so desperately sought. And my sister never grew up. All if it was hung uo in the peg of my supposed schizophrenia.

Judith—my mother—was congenitally deficient. She had verbal incontinence. She was very controlling. She had serious boundary issues. She was always violating ours, for instance she was always mixing us up with one another. She may have had a seizure disorder.

Also the sexual abuse issue made my family not want me a part of the family. They paid lip service to psychiatry and meanwhile I was in it for real while they were there to tweak and twist the diagnosis as if it were a guilty verdict to satisfy their vindictive guilt based attitudes.

the loss of a sense of smell makes me appear detached and unconnected.

the loss of sensitivity in your fingertips is common in people who, like myself, have taken older ant-psychotic meds much if their adult life. Now I have Clozaril, the first newer anti-psychotic medication.

weird things happen to you when you go to a state hospital

I was there for a suicide attempt.

the last time I went the doctor complimented me on my eye contact in a report on my status. After that eye went cross-eyed. Lost to the world as I knew it. I started having spasms in my eyes. Lost my drivers license.

a man behind the counter at the pharmacy said, “She really looks crazy.” I felt so hurt.