nccotus

about my last post: the difference was a major adjustment in my attitude about two serious and important matters in my life and my son’s. I am taking the liberty about the part of it that belongs to Ian.

first, I resented that the Harvard Advicate, an undergraduate literary magazine, changed under my Presidency. I was asked to take that office and didn’t want to but was tempted to. I adored the magazine and the organization just as it was, But was made to believe it was going under if I didn’t take the job. I was not up to handling the position and was destroyed by it. I felt that I also destroyed it. Many said it was way the better for my presidency, I was in a state of nervous exhaustion. An ignorant, lousy local New Jersey psychologist had no clue how to help me with this situation when I returned to my mother’s home with these issues. My mother didn’t either.

I got a job as a temp at a local engineering consultancy firm and stamped blueprints for a few months. Everybody hated me but it was a Baptist Christian owned firm and the owners took an interest in me. But with Sharon the psychologists help I got sick and had to quit.

I realize now that my job at the Advocate was done perfectly just as it was meant to be done. I was high tech literary wannabe meeting with a vein of high and holy literary autocracy that was going out of style. Or, had this challenge to meet. I was a sacrifice in a way that I have to accept. The outgoing board and their legacy similarly was a sacrifice that had to be made, the incoming board as my board went out was applied in good order to carry in with a new tradition that involved change.

Ian was the one eyed black cat in race wars in Florida. A Nigerian psych tech in Germantown, Maryland with a name reminiscent of Disney famous cats befriended me during my stay on a psych ward shortly after Hopkins. Ian already had an injured bad eye. I had read a book as a child about a one eyed black cat. I have looked and looked for it and can’t find it.

ian at age 2 and a little black kid age 3 hit it off in Germantown. His mother took care of both of them when I as too ill to cope. I hade gone to the psych ward on a mission to help BlackWorld. It changed when we moved to Florida where the issues were so raw. I told him to approach all Blacks with Love. As I knew no other way to go. Then I got involved with the pro-Life movement I got on the wrong side of Obama. I became a serious racist. But Ian remained the most seriously non prejudicial person I have ever known.

in Florida, that eye was seriously injured when Ian’s “best friend” threw a dart at him. Then, it got worse when in a fit of rage and paranoia I threw a cup of hot coffee at him, accidentally hitting him in the eyes. I see this now as an act of God, taking it to the limit and making it real about the one eyed black cat in race wars way out of my control, I got tasered for this and almost died. I am still in recovery 15 years later. Then, a white girl at Seminole high, as busing from South St. Pete continued, got here eye put out when a black girl put the spike of her heel through it. I couldn’t cope with that as I had supported busing not knowing about the lavish part of Seminole across Park Blvd and what a sumptuous and pristine jewel the town was.

but, I realize that it was out of my hands.

Ian is healing now, and I have to let all of this go.