nccotus

it has been an incredible day and a half in posting!

the upshot is that I have come to the roots of my current issues.

continuing with my flag at half mast this week and lifting uo my son in prayer. But also accentuating the positive. As previously stated it is importantly in doing so to acknowledge the negative an that is what this post is about.

there was a way that Alex had of being a very negative being. He was tied up in my mind in a way I didn’t see with a person whom I thought I had left behind when I left the state. A friend from the state hospital. His name is Mark and when I came back to PA in 2012 he called up my Dad and left his number. We got together for an afternoon but it didn’t go well and I didn’t hear back from him well, I did, but it was awkward. Now, I understand that he held on to me down all those decades and it wasn’t good. And he is relinquishing it today as we speak. And Alex may have known him through hangouts in the city of Reading (bars, in other words) from when he lived here for a while before we met. So, I may have lost that part of Alex’s character and kept the more gentle and beautiful person he became.

the 3rd person is a woman whom I will call Lyn for how closely embedded she became in my character and personality. She was a Baptist and a born again Christian who met Jesus as a little girl and had an infirm and inappropriate way of expressing her faith but I just loved the feeling of it at the time. I was so hopelessly despondent of ever finding Jesus.

now, I finally have. But it took being derailed by this person for 35 years to get there. I haven’t thought about her for a long time now. I complained about her to my father on the Haven Tower Unit here in Reading after being left in the snow. She was a help but I no longer trusted her for my Christian formation. I turned to him for a help in this regard but he disdained me for it. I assumed that he would be elated. My mother, Judith, would have been.

so, I don’t know where Lyn is now but I do know to quit turning to her for a help, Christian or otherwise. She had her own need of a help.

likewise Mark and old Alex. The need to budge off of their old playbook and let me live as the new, ‘reminted’ being I have become through the work of God. No longer hampered by the mole-wart and things she did or said as such.

I am clean.