nccotus

I had a love affair in college with a man who was all but blind without his contact lens. It was a foreshadowing of my marriage. My ex was also even more blind without his contact lenses. They did not judge by appearances. they did not see the disfiguring lesion next to my nose or rather did not judge by it. Other flames were short-lived.

what they didn’t get was that that thing by my nose made me unclean: or was the sign that I was unclean.

I do not know what the status of that is today. I lived with that thing in my face for 69 years, I have lost a lot of the habits and character but the history is a part of me.

I was conceived too soon after my brother in a woman who was congenitally deficient.

to my mind all of this excuses a lot of my behaviour and releases the many people over the years who were beholden to me in one way or another for my obvious desperation. It IS the concept I was looking for for such release, WHY I couldn’t get anywhere in life what was abnormal and how and why my relationships failed. How to accept my current status and what to plan for. The main psychiatric diagnosis would be organic personality disorder. All the rest was acquired as I sought to cope with rejection over the years everywhere I turned.

please note: my New Year’s resolution is to accentuate the positive. But for various reasons my flag is at half mast today. It is important in realistically accentuating the positive to acknowledge the negative.