nccotus

I ought to have been returned to the hospital when I pulled those kittens of Daisy’s up to my room one by one to assault them in their tiny minds.

I put them to my breast as I had done to Domino in Mower A-31. I was in a state of terror. David at Wernersville had said to me, “You had sex with your father and your cat.” I didn’t know what the Hell he was talking about.

I got out of the hospital and went home to my mother’s and was terrified by what I had done by having a relationship with this person. He was a warlock who practiced Black Magic. Please believe me that this is real. I was frightened about the cats. Not know in why. And then I did that.

my mother needed to return me to the hospital, I was dangerously and endangered. The outpatient doctors were tapering the medication. It was on her what happened that night that I lost it and she was physically harmed. She had threatened to call the neighbor and get her help forcing a pill down my throat. We got into a fist fight and she all but broke my thumb. She was such a bully. She needed to call 9-11 and get me out of there if she was having a problem with me.

I finally got the help of George Wiswesser but unfortunately the damage was already done.

All these years later I realize myself what I need to. She is dead and gone. But my sister and my father aren’t. And as far as I know, David is still living, and Wernersville is still operating and these woes can be set straight.

I was not guilty of being dangerous. As a person in the MH situation it was not a sentence it was a diagnosis and needed to be addressed as such. I needed help with it myself. David had me under some kind of spell. I was convinced that I was married to him. He also had my sister Claire under a spell because of a girlfriend he had had by the same name whom he blamed for his illness. She blamed me for this when it was on my family that I went to the state hospital, not me. David’s Claire went to Wellesley College and I am sure that played some kind of a factor subconsciously in my suggesting that she go to Smith College. Through David.

Things are falling together in my mind. After all of these years.

Those months back in 1986 before my returning to Wernersville for the second time were so redolent with meaning that was later lost from my life as the tax of MH world stripped me of all sense of worth until I met Alex and was out to the test in a whole different ballgame: military and political.

I am innocent. I was mentally ill with organic personality disorder several times over and a danger to myself and others and the situation was not properly addressed because my mother was covering over her own mental problems and guilt in the most egregious way. There as never appropriate attention to MY needs. I was infantalized and belittled. She was also a danger to herself and others and using me to cover it over. For instance, she was a serial cat murderer. She put down cats in a punitive fashion. It’s too painful to address right here and now. She did it to cats of mine on 2 occasions and tried one other time and was stopped. She forced several of my suicide attempts, sexually abused my son, and coerced sexual abuse of him by my ex. She was a very bizarre being. She used her line on me to continue all this in a way that was incredibly painful for me. I have been nuts over this since her death as she continues to appear at times from purgatory. I was afraid she was still living but I am figuring that this is the case; that she is in purgatory and somehow still able to appear to me.

So, I needed to be recovered from the illusion that I was married to David, who probably wanted me dead; and securely married to Alex; for better or for worse; without regard to our current status.

A whole lot of retroactive work needs to be done here; more on this.

…

Dr. Taube in Maryland said “Don’t let it turn into a pissing war.” He had a lot of good sayings like that. But I think he was being paid by them. That was what they were like. Trying to take things into their own hands instead of seeking an appropriate resolution.

in Summit, NJ, where it all started, when things started to heat up, I walked past her in the hallway when she was in the phone to him and she had a peculiar expression in her face and she shot it out to me “Keep it in your head.” I had no idea what she was trying to say to me. That was when I was seeing a psychologist who said, “Talk to me about your mother.” Which felt deadly.

At Springstone Hollow that night that I flipped out on her, when they were forcing me to get undressed in their bed, I said, “is this what you used to do to me when I was little?” She said, “It happened when you were 13.”

The next morning, after being up with her all night, smoking butts from the wastebasket, I was in a morbid state. They finally called the MH Crisis line. Shortly after that was when I met Dr. Wiswesser and my life changed. He believed her that I wasn’t sexually abused but in a way that didn’t feel hurtful. But it slowly ate a hole in my life. He finally said that I was “schizophrenic; but we aren’t working with that diagnosis.” Drs. Rodenberger and Rosenberg maintained throughout that I was a borderline personality disorder patient. In other words there was never a consensus about the diagnosis.

Nobody ever saw it about that wart-mole lesion on my face and that it caused me significant distress. Or knew that I was in pain over the injury to my crotch throughout my life and more recently. Damage to my central nervous system. Mental and emotional as well as physical dysfunction.