nccotus

I am experiencing the heart of a complete and total healing.

a long while ago I discerned to call it a disorder of my reflexes as inhering through a problem with my startle resonses. It was all triggering through my OCD

it was so terrifying to watch it playing out over the last few weeks as I lay in bed at night coughing with a nasty cold started by the problem of excessive spit because of Clozaril, an antipsychotic medicine that I have come to depend upon because of lifetime hysteria on and off antipsychotic medicine for no cause other than that I became used to it.

This is all the cause of a sick and dying person who turned to a psych ward in the eighties in order to avoid becoming homeless. The doctors refused to give me the medicine without a signature because they saw trouble there but I signed for it because I knew I had an issue with it and steered into that curve.

at the state hospital a few months later they did not give me the antipsychotic meds at first but when I ran away the second time the doctor gave it to me for structure quote endquote. Then, when I was coming off of it a few more months later at my mother’s home an hour away I lost it and I hurt her. After that I was never allowed to be off those meds.

so, in the course of trying to be off of those meds I developed a serious OCD problem that turned into a disorder of my reflexes as my mind tried to control the spastic condition that started with Tegretol and Haldol and coffee and cigarettes in my mothers nasty garage when I finally got out of the state hospital for good.

I met Alex and got the hell out of there but he was left coping with my bizarre condition which got worse and worse.

At John’s Hopkins two years later the doctor simply walked away, stating that I had made a disastrous marriage. Which begged the question. What are we to do

the OCD had internalized at that point and all you could see was the aggressive spastic condition and not what it was about. The doctor didn’t bother to question it or bother to see the mother in a traumatic move from the West Coast desperate for a hurt and harmed baby in a traumatic childbirth almost dying as I almost did too.

I was sidelined for 3 decades and here I am today coming back to life. I healed in the night last. Writhing around in the bed as the startle responses went out of me. I realized this morning that Ian was with me in a noncorporeal way. All this while we have needed to be separated for his health and well being as well as mine.

But, I trust in the Lord’s timing.