nccotus

I unleashed the furies of Hell on her that fateful night at Springstone Hollow in 1986. After the ghoul epiphany in the ICU at the Reading Hospital.

I woke up slowly; went to the state hospital; fell into a dream; returned to my parents new home. After about 3 months as they tapered me off of the antipsychotic meds I spiraled into a deepening awareness of myself and lost it one night.

some strange things happened that night. It is too painful to put it into words.

it all ended with my mother walking into my space and I lost it like a bud unfurling except it was my feet and fists hitting and kicking her and I was screaming you mother fucking your mother fucking! I wasn’t even aware of making contact with her but when I woke up in the Reading Hospital psych ward 24 hours later I understood that I probably did. The scene played out for days.

there are some things that a person just can’t do and bruising your mother is one of them. I have suffered in this regard all my life. This happened when I was 24, in 1986. I was all but dead; permanently disabled by the incident in the ICU. These two things got mixed up in my mind in a way I am clearly seeing right now as I type out this message.

My mother is dead. She died weeks after I tried to begin to make sense of this with her in a session with a therapist I had been seeing and the night after I had sent her a long email similarly intended.

I said something to Lipsey at Hopkins about this and he brushed it off. Put her in charge without addressing this in any way.

obviously my father was bewildered by this. A demon daughter and a hurt wife.

I have healed somehow down all these years. But there has been damage and fallout for me and everybody else concerned.