nccotus

I made a mistake in 2012 over returning to PA instead of going to Buffalo where Ian was born.

I had rented an apartment online in the same lovely apartment complex we had stayed n way back then.

I so wanted to go there but the course was so arduous and I did not have Alex’s support in this regard. He was responsible for shipping me and my things and the car. I was very ill.

somehow I fell down. I described it n my last post.

the manager of the apartment complex in Buffalo was so angry with me. He got his one month’s check but it wasn’t enough. He had held three apartments for me to make sure I got the one I really wanted. I just bled over this. Because I knew he did.

I feel so sad about this, looking back. I was just told in my mind that God ordained all his but I am pretty sure it was the devil.

I have repented and this is a piece of my atonement.

it’s like how I held on for coming here from Boston in the 80’s not wanting to. I realize now that I wasn’t wanted there and there was nowhere else for me to stay. Buffalo was not like that. They really wanted me there. I am reminded in my mind that God works everything to the good…. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out when they found out how sick I was. I was always good over the phone and online. For instance the bug phobia was still active. I wasn’t really reality based. It could have been a shocking disaster. For that to happen in Pennsylvania was different because of my old history here.

my family was near for well or for ill.

I’ve been here spinning my wheels for 12 years now.

all I can say to myself is to quite my favorite faith words from St. John of the Cross: the Cloud of Unknowing: “There is no lost time in Jesus. Jesus keeps time in perfect justice because of love.”

…

I remember now that Alex told me specifically to go to Easton and that there was nothing else that could have happened. I remember now that dark apartment on Walnut St in the way downtown and how scary it was. 12 years later I am lucky to still be living. But still very ill. But in recovery. It’s all recorded in my retired blog site, poetinterrupted.com which tanked over a negative post I put up in desperation about my old Harvard Advocate comrades, the Begleys. It was such a shame what happened there. Trying to find a way to restore it. It is the link that I need to recover my connection to my life in Florida for the well of it over the hideous negative note that it was left on.