nccotus

There is a DH Lawrence quote, I think that it is from “The Rainbow,” “When you encounter a superior being, the only possible response is Love.”

That is what happened to me in my relationship with my ex-husband, his then unknown history notwithstanding. Our song mutually was the Backstreet Boys song “As long as you love me.”

(“I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did p, as long as you love me…”)

that covered us for our early years out in Southern California but not when we returned East with a baby. The Hopkins malpractice WAS withstanding.

still, through all that happened, Alex was a superior being and weathered what happened in a way that I couldn’t and so did HIS SON and mine, Ian. He doubted that Ian was his son and there was nothing that I could do to console him. I was so in love with him. He just didn’t get it, I couldn’t really communicate. I was terrified that he was cheating on me. I was in no shape to be doing that to him in California. He ought to have known that. I guess I ought to have known that too.

Zydek talked to me about “the return of love.” I had trouble understanding that. I loved but could not be loved. I harmed and hurt and disdained people who tried to show me love. It is my organic personality disorder. I shy away from people in this regard. It is for a real reason. I cannot sustain a friendship or a love relationship. I have to put myself first because of my deficiencies. It is all I can do to help myself. The return of love goes unanswered.

my expression of love for others comes easily but I cannot accept another person’s love for me.

Alex tried for two decades to be a husband to me and was shortchanged.

The truth was that I felt inferior and he was getting a mixed up message. I always became frustrated and treated him ill.

I am remembering the bay gelding racehorse that I couldn’t care f9r when I was 14. And that I wrote a poem about him when I started writing again after Ian was born.

this is by way of apology. To Alex and the people who hold him dear. We just weren’t connecting right. This was my responsibility. My family and how they were lousing us up was on me. That is how I felt. It was horrifying to me what I was watching go down when we first met and how they were pulling the wool over his eyes and how they were influencing him ill.

then we left the state and got away from them and it was sort of okay, we got to see Southern California. I loved this person so dearly. I fell into a penitential state over the movie that I was drawn to see about the Texas serial killer who turned himself into a police station and confessed all his crimes. It is a horrible movie. A week later I found out I was pregnant for the fourth child and knew to keep the baby.

Next thing I knew we were back East in Buffalo with the baby and the sex wasn’t working any more.

The John’s Hopkins psych ward needed to address this among other things and didn’t touch anything whatsoever about the relationship.

As I have said, I felt he was a superior being regardless of gripes I may have had and I needed help with my family and their negative attitude.

I am reminding myself of my favorite quote from St. John of the Cross: “There is no lost time in Jesus. Jesus keeps time in perfect justice because of Love.”

Today, I no longer have a husband. But I have a beautiful son to remind me of the love I had for Alex before the malpractice by Lipsey at Hopkins queered us and soured him and thrust us headlong into a violent journey into a maelstrom in South Florida we are still trying to collect us from today.

Hopkins will pay.

likewise, aliens such as I have experienced them are superior beings by a factor of 4 and the only possible response has been Love.