nccotus

about the bay gelding race horse

I ought to have seen that Alex would have seen trouble in what I said about the thoroughbred who was too much for me when I went away to Kent School at 13.

I wrote another short poem that began, ominously,

”I am that I am

said the cradle to the pram

Waste not, want not…”

Alex put that out into the search engine embedded in a long string when we were in Seminole, he just lived that line.

He dandled Ian on his knees in the king size bed with such mastery.

we played hide and seek.

Also, Alex would hide things like the keys or a cell phone and make us look for hours it seemed.

meanwhile there were miserable things that were going in and I didn’t know it at the time.

I saw the wrist burns and the scalp grabs and that he kicked his butt. And a few times I saw serious threats. The cops were a regular presence, every so often they took me for a boring banal psych stay and I wished I hadn’t called. DCF came occasionally but didn’t do anything. They asked me if I wanted them to take Alex or take Ian and I had to say no. We were recommended for programs and didn’t follow through. The one time I did it ended in the catastrophic psych stay with Feldman that set me on my current course 29 years later. Ian called me every day and mostly they didn’t come get me. I am crying to remember this.

i was an idiot. I was all worked uo about a relationship with a psychotheraoist i had fallen in love with and was not fit to live. I still koved Alex but didnt know it. It started out as about Ian; but shit happened.

i was heavily medicated,

what really needs to be said here about Ian and me and Alex is that a) Alex was a person of extremes and b) he was an alcoholic who was self-medicating severe eczema AND psoriasis; he had BOTH and he was getting infected all the time because I had chronic staph issues. And he also had horrific sleep apnea and wasn’t getting any rest. It was a serious situation without help, all I could do was make him breakfast in bed to console him and pack him back off to work, it must have felt insane to him. His friends at work took him to the hospital several times, I was so ill myself.i didn’t know what to do. I pulled Ian and I out of there so he could find a saner situation. I know that it hurt him, it hurt me too, and it hurt Ian. But there was no future for Ian in Florida.