nccotus

when I was still living in Florida my ex put it in my mind to kill myself.

I didn’t know why. He said it different ways five different times. The last time, he had me trapped in the stairway and said it point blank. “You should kill yourself.”

He said it was the honorable thing. I didn’t know what he was talking about.

I got to a new psychotherapist and told him, he let it drop. I realized recently that he probably didn’t believe me. Alex is a very persuasive being.

I developed an urge to swallow pills. It became irresistible one night in the house in Seminole when I was trying to treat both the house and the apartment I had rented, for bugs. I had psychotic bug phobia. I was exhausted and wanted to lay down. Every bed in the house had bed bugs and, I feared that there was a form of lice. Finally, I forced myself to swallow a 3 month supply of Risperdol and Klonopin, my psych meds. Then I laid down clutching my chest. Alex called from out of time. I saw his number and picked up the phone and told him what I had done. He had me go downstairs and unlock the door. I went back upstairs and lay down and passed out. Everything since then was still crazier than before. I wound up on the psych ward in Largo after receiving shock treatments. I remember being shocked. And waking up saying to myself, omg, where are my car keys, in other words, how stupid, I’ve done this to myself again. I was on the psych ward for several weeks and then returned to the house in Seminole.

it was several years before the situation resolved. I remained subject to the crazy urge to swallow pills as well as to the acute psychotic bug phobia. I brought Ian here to PA and then brought myself here. It went horribly. Two more OD’s as described in my last post. I am slowly waking up.

with aliens to attend me. It’s been a crazy decade and a half and I am sure that my ex would have done it differently if he understood how he was really impacting me and Ian. I am lifting him up in prayer to cooperate with the efforts that I am making to secure my situation after a time and a time and a half in hell. Likewise Ian.