nccotus

about the tasering

I wasn’t wanted any more.

I was a fat old useless banal morph pig.

the last thing to go was my motility. I couldn’t get around any more. Couldn’t get out of bed.

so, Alex ordered a party, Joann’s daughter was to throw a party in our home. I was up in my room transferring my assets to Ian. He was down in the family room having a party of his own with his male friends and the girlfriend with whom I had forbade him to let him sleep with in his bed. So he pushed me in the gut. And I was all loused up. Something happened to my bladder and groin.

I was suddenly terrified that night and I went down there and made coffee on the stove, intending to use it as a weapon if necessary. What happened next was tragic.

I called 911. I had the scalding hot coffee in my right hand. Ian came to stop me from calling the cops and in the heat of the moment I threw the coffee at him. He leaned down I do not know why and the coffee hit him directly in his injured eye.

I am still sobbing 15 years later.

next thing I know I was tasered.

the rest of this story has been told before.

Boutin called the cops “a couple cowboys.” I realize now that I was meant to die that night.

they called it felony child abuse but put me on the police psych ward. I had a concussion for 18 days. Deemed psychotic. The police didn’t admit what they did.

a couple of years later I had relocated to PA and in the apartment in Easton I was experiencing a feeling of electric shock running through my body when I lay on the couch alone in my dangerous downtown apartment.

since then I went through 2 overdoses. The second all but took my life. I am finally beginning to move into a recovery phase after 8 years. The first produced a social death. The second a physical one. Almost.

so, I see that the three serious suicide attempts reflected the three abortions (the second one in PA, the Klonopin overdose in Florida, and the clamped catheter OD in PA in ‘86). The two more minor ones (the wrists scratching in ‘83 and the first, more minor OD in PA in 2014 (?)) I can’t figure.

obviously, those two suicide attempts, which inhered so insidiously, were about my guilt and shame about the wart mole person and her inadequacy as the mother I was going to be to Ian, the most beautiful and brilliant child who ever lived.

I just pray to God that his eys are okay and that his fists have healed from punching the walls and that he can forgive me for what happened that night. My motility is beginning to restore after all these years. Time really does heal all wounds.

I am finally beginning to be in recovery from the abortions. The dust is beginning to settle. I am beginning to see the forest for the trees.

Abortion is the worst scourge to ever hit the planet Earth.