nccotus

About non-erectile dysfunction disorder.

i learned about permanent clitoral erection from a urogynecological pain specialist in Allentown, PA. He made no such formal diagnosis at that time but I knew right away that it was that or something like it. I had already gotten Valium suppositories for vaginal pain and spasms from a female gyn specialist in Bethlehem.

now, after weathering further damage/intervention, I just don’t get any clitoral arousal. Its easier that way.

But a problem for others who don’t know how to take me and for me in that regard.

it all falls under the rubric of organic personality disorder based on a sexual injury in childhood combined with the lesion by the side of my nose removed just 3 or 4 years ago. It’s been so crazy since then I cant remember the year! Just the date and location: June 21st? The office buildings across from the LV Hospital. I do have a copy of the receipt.

At the time, I kept saying that I came back into the world “kissing, licking, biting, and sucking”: in other words, that ugly mole had my lips, mouth, and tongue painfully locked all my life in a way that I did not know or understand.

I ended up on a psych ward and filled up 4 composition notebooks with notes on the strange “metamorphosis” I was going through. Everyone teased me for using that word.

i have been slowly unraveling all the OCD rituals. I can yawn and stretch and I am becoming physically versatile in ways that I never dreamed of as a little girl lost in a world of childhood novels facing leg atrophy by this age (62.)

all my life my family kept me entrapped under their preferred, unspoken (to me) diagnosis of schizophrenic or paranoid schizophrenic but with a bad personality unwilling to cooperate with the diagnosis and excused from certain crimes based in the severity of the disorder.

when in fact they were trying to repress warranted accusations of sexual abuse.

in fact i have been desperate all my life for a real diagnosis, one that makes sense of my symptoms, now and over time. And I have seriously sinned but that is between mw and my God. I have not committed any crimes. People these days usually have a constellation of symptoms. I have suffered from catastrophic Major Depression and Anxiety and OCD. And, in the end, PTSD.

but at the heart of it was exhaustion from what I was doing to harbor the “mole-wart” person who was in trouble with so many people at such a young age.

i was so rude. And in such oblivion. I didnt even know how to wash dishes for instance. And someone’s cat got out and got lost.

I make people very angry or used to.

I am okay now. I don’t know how to satisfy people who want a pound of my flesh for the “mole-wart person” I used to be and that so far she is continuing to live to see another day.

3 Trillion $$$ lawsuit against AT&T Bell Laboratories herein announced.

all of this happened under the auspices of my father’s 25 years of employment with them and under the relocation under the break-up under the anti-trust suit in the early 80’s. I got swept under rhe rug never to return until TODAY.