nccotus

about a little cat that got lost from an apartment in the City of Somerville, MA, near Cambridge, in 1985.

about cat world.

there is a moral and mortal order in the worst things that the Lord does.

I was met with the echo of my own little grey cat a hundred times over through accidentally letting this little cat out that my roommates friend asked her to keep for a few days, I was so lost at that time and made several such sick serious mustaches.

my mother had a little grey cat of mine put down for vanity and ego reasons pertaining to my sister. It was so sick and serious what she did. Pertaining to the death of my sister’s 20 year old horse. But I do now understand about that kitten in Somerville. And the death of the kitten that went to my mother in Summit from the room in Harvard Yard Freshman Year in college, way before that.

which is where it starts about my coming out. I did something very inappropriate to that little grey cat. Recently I realized that its mother was watching. recently someone explained that was ill guided maternal instinct.

all of it—I realized just a few days ago—was pertinent to the abortions—mine at 13 that I didn’t know about—and that I didn’t know about it. Also the roommate had had one and talked to me about it.

the grey cat from Freshman has followed me all my life.

a comfort and a loss.

that I can’t really keep a cat on my own. I have to be fostered for it just as I had to be fostered as a mother. Because of my Queer sexuality issues and the associated organic personality disorder. It is a medical and MH and moral concern.

it is all coming together for me now.