nccotus

From the floor back to my website…

I am LGBTQueer.

finally coming out as such even to myself.

damaged even as an infant and then a blow to my crotch at around age 5.

similar to someone who have a failed sex change operation.

I had feelings even in my childhood of being a male being, in other words trans or hermaphrodyte.

I wanted to know what it felt like to be a man.

then, the tragedy in the ICU at 24: 8 or so hours of insane sexual torture from a catheter clamped on because I kept trying to rip it out of me, I almost died of the pain, obviously I had a UTI as was common in me at that time. Looking back in recent years I called it the “ghoul epiphany.” Last night my son pointed it out to me in my mind that it was the retroactive experience of the abortions and now I am finally able to let go of those moments and I am finally free and clear of those moments after all these years.

Abortion turns a woman—young or old—into a ghoul—somewhere in her soul.

So, for some reason the Lord picked me to do the work of going public about the abortions but now I also have to go public about my sexuality and how I hang on to the word of God where I am in such uncertainty on my own through a damaged pud. Likewise my son, he leads me lifts me guides me in the most inerrant way through the worst moments in my life.

in my younger days I hung on to the “as-if personality,” a concept I got from a book, don’t remember which one. After decades I am able to drop this, finally understanding why.