nccotus

a feature in schizophrenia but not pertinent to that in my case. Also in schizoid personality disorder but not pertinent to that in my case,

in me it was like the smile plastered across my face as noted in my last post about a suicide attempt.

the blank affect started at Kent Scool and was pertinent to the loss of a baby through abortion at age 13 that I was blocked from knowing about in a way that was serendipitous to my family and maybe to me also. If that had come out at the time we would all have been blown out of the water as a family. I remember so many sick, social situations where I sat there like a stone. Drastically scared inside. Knowing it was not well. Having to be at bat but not able. No alibi. They always let me pass. Every so often. Parties in the woods, just to keep my place there legit. Then I aced it all when I got my SAT scores, 759 759. It confirmed my fantasy if being a great intellect and took me to Harvard and it really was true! People there understood me. Even the blank affect with gin and tonic after gin and tonic and a whole pack of cigarettes at a sitting under the arm of a boyfriend who cared about a brilliant woman.

Then, we had to break up and reality set in. Homeless at Harvard.

No I am not a schiz. Yes I sometimes used to look like one. There may be a component of schizoid personality disorder, going through fantasy after fantasy all day long, I am very paranoid because of how I have been treated all my life especially within my own family as stated in my last post for instance. My mother hated me. Wanted me out of sight. I was a sexually damaged being and an embarrassment and always ruined things for her. She had issues herself that got treated through MY CARE just as Claire got HER needs me here in PA through MY stay at the state hospital and the common sense wisdom there which was deemed as lost on me.

I was all but dead when Alex showed up.

After that, everything is confusing.