nccotus

Continuing to sort out the wheat in my life from the chaff.

a major moment in this regard recently was to let go of playing in the city dump and the Passaic River in New Providence with my brother. It was extremely inappropriate and a symptom of my mother’s mental meltdown after her ectopic pregnancy. My father finally stepped in in this regard and found Boulder’s Inn at Lake Waramaug as a regular summer refuge for all of us.

so I have let go of those ill found memories and the ill treasures stored in those deep closet shelves in my New Providence bedroom that got ditched after my sister moved in on me and then we moved to nearby Summit.

Later on in my life—through childhood reading and then my impassioned relationship with my high school relationship with my English teacher and advisor Mr Charles E Gould I sought desperately to become a literary author and or poet. Nothing else mattered to me. That takes me through to this very day where I am flirting with the idea of a novel. I am roughing out chapter four of a fictionalized account of my marriage of a man whom I fantasized an FBI assassin! Life so changed after the almost fatal incident in the ICU at the hospital near here in the 80’s and the subsequent stay over two years at the nearby state hospital.

12 years since the divorce, my soul is in tatters.

I have been through so many odd passages. And so much of it has been fostered through vanity and jealousy of people who want to harm me for the gifts that God has given me. They style me a moron for my congenital and organic personality disorder to rub out the genius and talents that are a party to it that show them up for the morons that they are. “Comparisons are odious.” (Sister Marie, St. Mary’s RCC, Kutztown.). Everybody needs to move along and mind their own business. It’s like Mozart and Salieri. Salieri sought to kill Mozart because of Mozart’s insanely gifted musical genius that he just couldn’t match. At the same time, Mozart was rude and socially inept. He died at a young age.

I was a real brainiac but I was hated for my odd disabilities. I always wrecked the grading curve in math, for instance. But I couldn’t talk to boys.

Then, I met Alex. He had a sister who was not so different from me, whether he or she would admit that or not I don’t know. Like my English family and friends that treated me as comparatively normal. They are Canadian.

so, after 33 years the active engagement in the married years are winding down 12 years after the physical split. I have weathered two suicide attempts. It was all a big mixup. Alex thought I was cheating on him with the divorce lawyer which was just foolish. God called me to be His “small one” again and I thought it was my father. A dumb mistake. I am finally coming to grips with this. Maybe I have already said these two things; but it bears saying twice. Here I am, Lord.

why I am saying this. About being like Mozart.

my GRE scores —after I was put on antipsychotic meds—were 710 English, 720 Math, 740 Analytical-in other words I was an analytical genius.

my two claims to fame as an undergraduate at Harvard were the Language AI program that mathematically modeled poetry and my moral philosophy paper that refuted a major work supporting abortion and infanticide by comparing a baby in the womb to a “kitten-person” that just enraged me.

when I was a young girl I used to solve logical and mathematical puzzles in my mind just for the heck of it to keep my mind busy.

something horrible happened to me when I was 24 that caused mental as well as physical damage that I am still struggling to understand today. Somehow i have stayed living. Whether I will continue to do so remains in the Lord’s hands. I continue to hold on to God for complete healing with regard to myself and those whom I hold dear.