nccotus

40 years ago

still inheres today

scratched my wrists

a year after the Presidency of the Advocate

didn’t even know how to slash my wrists

sat there in the bathroom with a straight razor

I studied for months not knowing how to die myself

in mortal agony on Mellaril. Likely because of the sheer exhaustion from a decade of stress from starvation cocaine booze coffee sex and mental physical and emotional stress. I was desperate to die.

but I sat there in the bathroom crying, as a little girl, not wanting to let go of the little sweetnesses of life like food and sleep. And I just couldn’t figure out how to cut. Not literally crying but in my mind. So, I cut into the nerve as I tried to draw blood and it didn’t come. Finally I quit. Not knowing that I had damaged my nerves for life not insignificantly.

In other words, the wrist cutting was not directly over the Presidency of the Advocate. People concerned with that probably needed to know that even after all these years.

…now it’s the opposite: I am desperate to live!!! After all these years!!!