nccotus

I learned late in life to let go of things that feel very sweet or pleasurable or delightful but are actually malfeasant or even evil.

like a beautiful locution in a long poem that leads to trouble and you just have to let it go and go another way.

I am thinking right now about a college relationship. Wow, that’s two years that I used to be so proud of. That’s a lot of moments to let go of but I just did.

Like, I realized that my sister saw us making love in the pool in the wee hours of the night and I didn’t know it. I didn’t realize it until recently. And even more recently, like, just now, how traumatizing that would be for an 11 year old girl to witness an act of sex. I can add that to my last post. She must have held onto that without saying anything. That would be one of the reasons I was never able to let go of that relationship.

I was deemed a “kept woman.” Not a good thing. I fell into the arms of other men, I finally found my mate and we were loused up by these old relationships. At this point, there is not much that can be done about it. It was okay for him to have a past, a man does. It is typical these days for a woman to but not good. My course in this regard was deplorable but Alex was willing to hold me for it. We were both getting on in years. The pickings were slim. I was happy with him. I could never really figure his true feelings about me.

maybe this post will get back to him and he will know how to see things differently. We can’t do it all over again and I’m sure he wouldn’t either but it’s easier to hold onto again realizing that those apparently good feelings I lost and was left looking for from my college years were a banal loss and sinister use and not a good thing.

…

Obviously, I need to relinquish all the other men I fell in with in college and afterwards. There were pressures I was succumbing to but I ought to have known better.