nccotus

although I do not appreciate how she has handled it, that is largely on my parents.

recently I have begun to understand about the pressures she was under having me as a sister throughout her life.

”Pressures”—that applies more to my brother. With Claire, it was more like dire terror. I am beginning to see from outside the box—now the wart mole is gone and the sexuality issues are better understood. I understand what it was like for my family what I was experiencing as for me.

I understand about that horrific night when I flipped out on my mother and the trouble and pain for her having an ordinary, special evening with newfound friends after the move to PA. And there I was, a terrifying demon ripping through the night.

she was involved at the beginning of my illness in NJ; it would take too long to go back over those early moments in my established social leprosy but it is fishy how my parents handled it. They allowed her to run roughshod over me. In a way that was not well for her either.

then, my motherhood had some frightening parameters. She was asked (by me) to step aside. I didn’t need any of her bull, in other words. She played that out in a way I had no idea of in the form of a close relationship with Ian that I had no idea of down all of these years.

I am asked by the powers that be not to try to address this on my own as she will always ace me through her whole sexuality and I have to be fostered in this regard in a way that I am not right now. In other words it is very painful for me as I stand n my own through what has been happening to me here in this floor right now.

so, I do forgive her for what has been done here to me but reserve judgment about her relationship with my son.

It was like I was an MR person without a firmal diagnosis as such. Like the Rain Man but withou support for me or my family.

I failed at ballet. I failed at the spelling bee. I was a genius who couldn’t dance.