nccotus

I have so badly neglected to speak of God here.

through this posting, I have cleared away the banal bullshit of a lifetime that was getting in the way of my faith life.

41 years of psychoanalysis finally resolved today. It got off to a bad start but I finally was able to pull through the string that let it all come together sweetly. I wanted it to be perfect. Instead it was good.

I was stuck on the very beginning and how I was queered by my first psychotherapist and psychiatrist, both Jewish, and how it strangulated my faith life in a way that I wasn’t able to resolve. Then here at this ALF I finally met Jesus. Long after I was formally baptized by a nun and a Priest. It was okay because I was so actively seeking. I had Jesus in an interior way. This incredible light came out of me. But I did not know Jesus. There was a darkness as well. The water at the font did not flow over my face. I realized when the mole wart was taken off that that was why. It was all so strange.

I felt terrible for months. But, my father had explained to me some time earlier about the parts of an emergency baptism and that was met by the baptism I got.

if they can baptize natives in Africa then they could baptize me in that state.

so, now I have Jesus: the way, and the truth, and the life. And the thread of the psychoanalysis—dozens of analysts, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists maybe 30–have unraveled to leave me safe healed and free. In the meantime I have my son out of all of this. Somehow the Lord worked the major malpractice experience to the good for Ian’s benefit. I know that I can trust God to do this now that I am finally able to let go of the contraption and apparatus and my sinful nature holding on for me for him because I did not know how to trust God at that time. Or how to give.

the Lord is continuing to heal my reflexes as we speak. The OCD—in my rage and animosity over the misdiagnosis and how we were being treated in the community and by my family—got into my unconditioned responses and I was in hysterical paralysis triggered by startle responses that made me freeze dead in my tracks. I was in such bizarre condition and responsible for caring for a little baby and deemed ABUSIVE! by my manipulative mother. I needed HELP!

So. God stepped in. In the aftermath. (My father works things in the aftermath.)

When I was in the cottage at my father’s place, I met with God. (Although I was not yet personally acquainted with Jesus as my Lord and savior, I did have God. it’s a Jewish ancestry thing that was really hard and strong with me for the longest time). He called me “trusted.” He told me my smoking was “unguent and appealing.” This was very important to me. It has been such a horrible issue in my life. Through these things he drew me to him. So that, ultimately, I could pull my light out from under the bushel and become the Christian I am today.

so, somehow Jesus had me in an interior way and led me to God, and God kept for a long, long time, but then led me to Jesus just as Jesus describes (I can’t quote you the Chapter and verse). I found him at the very end of my rope—when nothing else OCDwhatsoever made sense.

So here I am today, a believer.