nccotus

How I loved that book!

At Kent School, it was replaced by “Pride and Prejudice”. I read it as a good read as opposed to literary study, the language felt familiar to me.

In both cases a weak father and a mean mother figure. I rode those books all my life.

I was enamored of my mother and didn’t understand what she was doing to me. I had a split understanding of her. I adored my younger sister at those times. She was kind of like the little sparrow outside the window in “The Little Princess.” I remember carrying her everywhere on my hip. I didn’t know at that time that she resented me. My organic personality taxed everyone in the family in ways I do now begin to understand as I gradually begin to morph of how I used to carry that in errant ways as I learn how to better be “fostered” for myself without the old, awkward contraption and apparatus. Consciously “borrowing the will of the ball.” (See the movie “Awakenings,” a true story about seizure patients.). It is off of me! I am relearning about life at age 62. I will never get there but it feels good to be striving. For instance, it feels good to literally stretch my neck out, for instance, to put in Artificial tears for dry eyes. I could never do that before! Because of the mole-wart!!! Now I can stretch my head way, way back to out in two drops instead of pouring out 10 without getting any in. Similarly, I can feel my legs and now also my pud. They have been weak, wobbly and numb for the longest time. The Lord has cleared the pud nerve damage I am left with a non working pud but no longer malfeasant pud area where the nerves were all haywire before and left me subject to abuse, also I embarrassed and irritated people all the time. Now I am moving off of that in this regard.

learning to accept the word “no.” It’s another major stride for me. I stopped routinely lying a long, long time ago. Finally understood the stealing issue in my life. It was related to having to accept the application of the diagnosis of schizophrenia KNOWING it was incorrect because I couldn’t have been fostered for organic personality disorder back then. Because my mother was not fostered for her seizure disorder. We were an English family in America without help. She wouldn’t have been able to survive and function as a mother with that diagnosis in place, the family would have crumbled.

i did not literally steal in adult life but I did once in college and that guilt issue perpetuated because that issue couldn’t be cleared up because of the errant diagnosis of schizophrenia. I was deemed to be a schizophrenic with a bad character for not accepting the diagnosis of schizophrenia. It was a walking lock-up that made it very difficult to get my needs met. Especially MY needs as a mother. I believe that Ian was able to get the majority of his needs met as a child but there was a need for him to know his own mother for who she really was that was also my need that has not been met.