nccotus

my son was gorgeous.

he had the most gorgeous energy.

even in his sadness.

even today when he has weathered so much heart ache and harm.

we are all fragile containers. Me too.

but he has taken the worst hits I know of.

I trust that the Lord has given him relief through his current situation off of me in the way that he needed.

Likewise the eye injury. I finally realized that he NEEDED off of me. I couldn’t find him right in front of me. He needed to escape me any way he could. I remember the moments before it happened. He was going to a young man a little older who was a community menace. They were going out at midnight, taking the car and going to gatherings with “bitches,” alcohol and the like. I was heavily medicated at night and had to stop the medication so I knew what was going on. That was how it all went down. He wanted off of me to grow up and become a man any way he could. we were just too close. I was holding on to so many things that hadn’t gone right or so I thought, I was still holding on for the childhood and baby years. I couldn’t let it go.

So I got on a plane to England at Alex’s command. He used the “Canada” word which meant everything stopped if I didn’t do what he said.

Then, in the private hotel near Manchester, we got the call, a dart in Ian’s eye, almost fatal. We couldn’t get back for two days.

This was surely one of the worst moments in any woman’s life. I had had a foreshadowing in the hotel in (Atlanta?) where the plane was stalled for 2 days because of a storm. It felt some kind of weird miscarriage. I never felt anything worse in my life. I had been stalled there in dirty clothes with nothing but a briefcase styled safe full of medication. I was so traumatized—too long to explain. I couldn’t get back into a plane without waiting for a day.

to this very day I am traumatized by this, how much worse for Ian? I tried to address it through a “retroactive interpolation” of a safer eye surgery where I could be there for him and simultaneously a better child birth where we both almost died. I take this very seriously.

but a takeaway is that he gained privacy for his soul that he needed. I see that I need to give this up at this point for it to be a formative experience for Ian. But I did need to go back and be there for him. It’s easier now with the help of aliens.

All these years later, I see how he needed me off of him once again; that he couldn’t be here to help to help me here; it was the opposite. I am here to help him retroactively and I just pray that it’s working—for what I couldn’t do then. I see he is a morph baby like me. Marked from birth to break apart into shards over times and places through time travel.

Gorgeously.