nccotus

”The truth is always better than a lie.”

(quoting myself)

So, after the “ghoul epiphany” well, part of it was that in the worst of it on the old R1 psych ward at the Reading Hospital I picked up a Nevil Schutte Novel, “The Pied Piper,” after trying to finish the job of killing myself on the unit. I dove into this book about a man walking across Germany and collecting lost children and leading them to safety in England. Until I was picked up in a gurney and taken by ambulance to the state hospital about 20 minutes away.

At the state hospital I fell into terror. It is quite a long story but, to make it quick, after running away a second time I responded to the hospitality of a fried egg breakfast and settled in.

The doctor told me I needed to socialize with the other patients. Instead, I picked up the first volume of Tolkien’s Ring Cycle off a shelf and began to read.

There was a patient there who regularly seduced pretty young women and I as warned about him but then they turned around and put him on my unit.

After I began the 3rd volume of that beautiful work, he approached me and said, “Did you get to the part where he drops the ring into the well?” He didn’t just ruin it for me he trapped me. After that we became a couple until finally he got his way. We had sex in the grass in open view. I had no idea what was going on.

after that he was ready to ditch me but I forced him into a continuing relationship.

This story has been told over and over.

….

That was all a refresher for today…

for waking up to the ghoul epiphany coming out here on this ALF floor a stone’s throw from the Reading Hospital ICU where it happened 38 years ago.

Those nurses at the State Hospital forced David to do what he did. I know because he is telling me right now. Once again. Moreover, my mother verified in error that I DID bring my diaphragm to the hospital which is probably the single sickest thing she ever did to me. Yes, I had sexual issues. she played me for them. To get me in trouble. Because she does. Do this. She is the most seriously sick malfeasant person that I know of.

No I did NOT bring my diaphragm to the state hospital or any other hospital. And I was helplessly seduced at the state hospital and David there was a victim also and my parents orchestrated the whole thing—that is my best guess.

So, yes, I was a ghoul at the state hospital the first time I went. It was covered over this way. The strange people there appealed to my mind. I was probably one of the worst known “botches” to wind up at Wernersville. But I couldn’t stay. The pull from my recent years in the Boston area was too strong. And I had no place in the community to be returned to, I didn’t fit with the placement program to be returned to the city of Reading.

All these years; decades; I have been fighting with this in my heart, mind body and soul. 2 abortions; 3 further suicide attempts; all of them horrific; one as chaff; but still.

My ex couldn’t get it right about all this, praying for a miracle there. I am seeing at this time that for me some strange positive feelings I have been having are about serial dissociate disorder resolving at the end. Sometimes it all comes together at the end in a case like this.

The ghoul had to come out of me just as it happened.

praying for Ian to be able to weather this sweetly.

Alex likewise.