nccotus

torture by a catheter clamped onto my clitoris with a UTI for 9 hours as I passed out from the pain over and over obviously caused BRAIN DAMAGE. Obviously they put the clamp on because I was trying to pull it out. Obviously it hurt because I had a UTI. UTIs hurt so much they can cause psychosis. The clitoris and urethra are hard-wired to the brain because of the importance of the reproductive system to human survival. The agony was so intense. When they finally pulled the catheter out I passed into oblivion.

I was blacked out and couldn’t see anything. I was passing from consciousness to unconsciousness, my mother said I flatlined.

They put me back on R-1. A female patient said, “Her mind is gone. It’s us they care about.” Everyone was scared.

They sustained me at the Reading Hospital, Wernersville State Hospital, and old St. Joseph’s Hospital in downtown Reading for four years. It’s true; my mind was gone. After two years I was out of the state hospital for good and staying at my mother and father’s place at the edge of Berks County. Finally I took a hint from R-1 and knew it was time to go: Alex showed up on the scene and we eloped to Texas and got married by a judge there. I was deeply suicidal and stayed that way but was preoccupied by my confusion over our relationship but then was even more preoccupied over the new diagnosis of partial complex seizures that I couldn’t follow up on. Then the two abortions and then Ian. I backed off of the suicidal ideation when I looked into his lovely face.

On R-1, after the ICU, I kept trying to find a way to complete the suicide, I tried to cut my wrist with a ripped up soda can, I tried to hang myself with a bathrobe tie, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag. Tried to run off the unit. It was horrible. I was berserk

Somehow, over the years, the feelings and the damage mitigated. At my parents home I as still desperately suicidal. I Florida I was not suicidal but for reasons I cannot disclose someone was putting it back into my mind to kill myself and there were 3 further serious OD’s. Well, one was banal but obnoxious and embarrassing. I treat that as chaff but two of them all but ended my life.

The Lord works everything to the good…

somehow through all this I have come to this place to work out what happened here 38 years ago, it took 4 years to survive the initial impact, it took going to California it begin to have hope again.

The rest has been crazy but somewhere in all of this there is hope for Ian that felt lost.