nccotus

they put down my cat

about Paul Gross in the city of Allentown

who was also dismissive about my sexuality issues which WERE the whole point. Not to be reviled but WERE what I needed help with likewise the cat was a serious issue in my family.

my sister’s horse had to be put down at age 20. She had wanted her to be mated. Somehow this represented that she wouldn’t have children, they took it out on me. They had one of my cats put down. Lied and said he went missing. I realized this recently. My cat was healthy and very young and had kittens. I wanted to have children. I realize now the horrible desperation I felt when they took away the grey cat Dorian, it was like they were taking away my future children. It was a punishment because Claire’s horse died.

meanwhile, Dr. Wiswesser of the Reading Hospital was a real Godsend. I complained about him at the time and afterward but he kept the peace so that I could stay living. He hedged on a diagnosis of schizophrenia to keep everybody happy. He gave me Tegretol and it worked, suggesting the possibility of a seizure disorder even though it was being given to me for mood. As it worked overnight to pull me out of a serious deep funk.

Right now I feel like I want to die as I see all of this coming together in my mind. They orchestrated the abortions. And it does related to losing the baby at 13. A complex cover-up. Claire was an excuse. I felt so badly about Dorian I didn’t want to live. Even when I met Alex I remained suicidal. It took having my own baby to begin to pull off of that mode in my mind; I also wasn’t sure whether I was living or dead. I had lost two children to abortion. It was an impossible situation, 3 babies on top of one another; only one of them could have lived. I know that the Lord was trying to tell me something through this, in a way that I wasn’t sure of at the time, I felt that I had to be a case study in abortion. I know to “Trust in the Lord’s timing,”. And I’m hitting this right now! It is not a perfect world! Those aborted babies will have their perfect bodies in Heaven! And we will see them there! More than this. They will be rescued by aliens??? In some way…. We will be reunited with them in outer space ??? Hmmm…. The Church and the heavens collide…

Truly an epiphany of this poor hapless ghoul.