nccotus

fireworks…

the desperation

like my brother

he loved fireworks

desperately

I used to light fires in the ashtray on the patio at the house in New Providence. And loved to call myself a pyro.

I really was a real weirdo.

organic personality disorder.

Ian was not. But he was so supportive of me. I so dearly loved Ian. I was so immature, I was more like a sister or best friend. I told him that I was trying to be as Jesus to him, for where I was prevented from being his mother. A friend in Christ.

Sometimes we played cards. As I did with my friends in my endless childhood, and, later, on psych wards. I let him cheat. He was ahead of poker at night at boarding school in that regard. Maybe not. Maybe I ruined it for him. So sorry. Negatives and positives. I can only pray that in the balance Gods will let the positive outweigh the negatives and that the negatives will mostly prove out to be banal bullshit, as nothing, to be burned out as chaff, leaving only the wheat to stand.

That the serious negatives of any kind that remain can be addressed legally and medically and with the help of miracles from Gods and also—from God—the help of aliens!