nccotus

aborted and living…

…on the cusp of the 3rd millennium and the 21st century…

mine was desperately trammeled and harmed in a way that I became numb to through my own pain over him and a large part of it was the two dead children and one of them literally inhered in our midst through a part of her remaining in my womb through an incomplete abortion only to go out of me in recent years. Her ghost persists. Just did.

I followed Project Rachel to determine the sex (by asking God) and naming them, et cetera. And wrote letters to them and had funeral memorial ceremonies. Anything anything to make peace with those tragic, violent losses and the chore that is to continue to raise children you have killed through the obscene crime of abortion as performed in the late 1900’s and still today. Formerly gentle women go to prison and other similar situations over their desperate ache and pain over the loss of their children being told by “pro-Choice” that their feels aren’t real.

my kid was suicidal and said I should go to prison for the abortions. I thought I was going to Hell. Who knows? I resolved to do good works while on Earth. That is what I have tried to do ever since.

It was tough on Ian. The aborted children got in the way. Through the violence in my heart, soul, and mind.

My ex had violence in him because of his WWII military father. Maybe that is why it had to be that way. I don’t know.

It was agony for me to be Ian’s mother. Only now can I appreciate how it was agony for him to be my son.

I saw it but could not feel it. I do now understand his resentment and everybody else’s. I was getting special treatment and was preserved free from harm in certain ways. That mole-wart kept me numb to brutal pain even while it pained me. I was like a bull in a china shop. Ian had to do my work. In other words, after a while I really didn’t raise him any more. It just got too bad for me.

here I am talking about me again when I came here to talk about Ian.

I remember the good things. Playing hide and seek. Biscuits and honey. Making him into the bed. Driving to private school in the morning. Buying guitars even though we never got to learn to play them and teaching him to play a little on the electronic keyboard. Lots of fun games, gadgets, the science fair project. Art projects.

birthday parties!

but I didn’t understand at the time hat he had sick serious pain issues and health concerns that I did not understand. And also abuse issues. Issues that I was a party to, not knowing it.

I am forgetting some serious chaff in my life today and I am hoping and praying that Ian can do that with all the bads in his life and abandon them as banal bullshit.

forgive and let live.

Accentuate the positive.

Even if you have to take steps against a person, do it with a spirit of hilarity and forgiveness. Be letting it go. That is the best course. And do remember your own sins and stay humble at heart.