nccotus

in other words, words, Dad, Alex.

he was so insecure about my male College associations.

he was so way high above them as a husband and friend to me and Ian.

as a Canadian he had the habits of an armchair intellectual.

he had his flaws. But he had a few years on them. He was a man, in other words, where they were still boys to me.

I had the habits of a life-long invalid. We paired together beautifully in this regard.

parenthood came difficultly to both of us. I was into it in a way that he did not favor. He wanted the sex to stay as it was. (Perris, CA. Before Ian was conceived: “I thought you were going to be my sex slave!”)

He was taking some bad energy off all those old College relationships in a way that hurt. Out of insecurity. His father was a warrior for God sake. My whole life was a preparation to be with him to make our children, obviously, two of them just weren’t meant to live.

I know that he grew to love Ian. Just as it was. Alex was his father’s son, a warrior himself in peacetime, much like me. I was too weak to join the army, went to College instead. Ian, likewise. His father’s son.

Begley got me back on course via the Advocate undergraduate literary magazine. Ripped me out of a stale roommate/friend situation and somehow I ended up failing out after a year as “President of the Advocate;” and going home to a rats nest at my parents’ home. I wasn’t wanted there because of a supposed offense.

They bounced me back there to finish my degree. They wouldn’t hear of anything else.

My understanding at this time is that Harvard credits me with about 2 years work but does not acknowledge that I earned a degree there. I got this fancy crimson certificate delivered to my door in a long tube in nearby Somerville after I finished my work (or thought I did.) t does not look like a regular certificate of graduation. I probably won’t ever know. I still get the Alumni magazine. As Kent School. As well as invitations to alumni events.

I was literally a stench to those places. Didn’t wash. Had no manners. A horribly hurtful and harmful being. Everybody knows now. That’s all I can say to myself in this regard.

I learned through Alex. He was such an incredibly moral being to do for me what he did. Picked me up off the garbage heap in my parent’s garage where I was all but dying and took responsibility . Took me all over the continent, not even wanting me for a wife but knowing I needed him to. The best good moment of my life was when Ian attended to a household moment 2decades when he was at the naval academy in his teens, saying boldly, “This needs to be addressed!” He picked up the good energy in Dad Alex through his school. It was so thrilling to see. Because I was trapped in the torpor and inertia of my illness and never knew to step up to the plate like that. That moment changed my life for the good. When I needed it to.

Today, I am still reeling from all the hard hits I took as IanAlex’s mother/wife but it was worth it! To see how it all played out in the end. Knowing that the Lord orchestrated ever nanosecond together for the good for every living being involved in this situation from the very beginning who was called according to his purposes.