nccotus

I am realizing how much pain he was in all his life with me as his mother.

I am realizing it through what happened to my mother’s cat Sasha.

I was having seizure upon seizure all day long.

having to mask them because of the unacknowledged diagnosis of schizophrenia. It was always “schizoaffective.” But I had been told at Hopkins that that was incorrect. “A wastebasket diagnosis.” That was my one takeaway from that sick sad situation. The rest was spinning my wheels. I learned in CA to bull through the seizures and it turned me in to a violent, insensitive being and my son bore the brunt of this. I WAS NOT trying to harm you Ian. I have tears as I look back on those times and places where you were hurt and harmed by the situational abuse. I had so much pain myself that it blinded me to the pain you were feeling. The earaches from the smoking. Your loneliness when I couldn’t be there for you when you were home sick. How rough I was when I was just trying to get things accomplished. I never sexually abused you Ian, Please know this. There were some inappropriate moments. And there were issues because of my own distorted sexuality. But it was not sexual abuse, I had reactions I physically couldn’t control, I needed the help of a neurologist. That was my family abusing me by not stepping out to help in that regard they knew perfectly well what was wrong with me.

i had rage reactions when I was in college. And do even until this day.

Never about you.

i had rage at Judith for interfering between you and me.

All I wanted was to be your mother.

she put crazy bullshit in your mind about me.

please know this.

I am sobbing and crying in my soul over how she ruined you and me.

i needed help.