nccotus

we married quickly because it was getting late for us. He was in his mid thirties and I was all but 29.

my mother pointed out that, for him, it was a Green Card marriage. He took me to see that movie. It turned out to be a Green Card marriage for me. I needed the Green Card marriage to hold on to the relationship. I was dead out if the water without the relationship. We were in no position for a traditional wedding. I was unfriended at that time because of everything that went down surrounding the state hospital. We were in Texas and separated from everything I had ever known; also because of the abortion. I had already said yes when he surprised me with the most beautiful engagement ring. So classic. I gasped! He kept asking me to say yes when I meant to from the moment I met him. But, shit happened and I didn’t know how to go there, so, I said as we stepped out of my car on the way into the Judge’s office, “We will marry for the Green Card.”

I figure that all along the two abortions were working through us retroactively to queer us; but so was Ian working through us to help us help him. Similarly, Arthur Robyn, the baby at 13 that I didn’t have.

So, Alex had his issues and so did I. Old flames and lovers. Work issues. Illness issues. As the male/dominant in the relationship his came way first and he did attend to my ignorance issues. He forced me to attend to showering, dirty dishes in the sink and the like despite my crippling OCD. Laundry, however painful. I loved going to the supermarket. Buying fancy lingerie. Chinese takeout on our beautiful futon in the second bedroom, where the t.v. was.

I was so ill. But it was the beginning of a step towards improvement and recovery that should have been picked up at Hopkins Hospital after Ian was born, and wasn’t. They did start to pick it up for me at Memorial Hospital, Tampa, Florida. They kept me for 3 months on this acute care psych ward because the psychiatrist truly cared about what he saw happening to this person (me).

it would take too long to explain it all here, but he noted several things such as inappropriate clitoral erections; that I frequently had a urinary tract infection when I went to the hospital; that I did not do well on a psych for long stays, I got worse.

This doctor, Alan Feldman, made me feel like a human being after decades of depersonalization in the system starting here in Reading. The Social Worker, who held the process group every morning did the same. She found out how to point it out to me how rude and inappropriate I was on the unit, so ignorant of the needs and feelings of others. I really loused it up for others at times. No manners.

Alex was not a part of any of this. But it happened under the auspices of our marriage. Here in PA it is not like that.

Once again it all appears to be under the auspices of my family of origin, as Alex stayed in the South. That was one huge thing that came out of my marriage. We moved from Texas to Southern California, and life started all over for me again there. Away from my family of origin.

But then, after 2 years reprieve, I had to return with the baby and it’s been a mixed up mess since then. Nobody understands about my family and how they use me. Alex does too; similarly; as a Canadian; where they are English; but there is dignity in it where he does it because he is my Husband.

Still, they ALL need to QUIT.