nccotus

the abusive situation was engendered by my mother. My sister was involved, but I am beginning to understand that where she is involved it is through my mother’s leading, even where it appears that she, my sister, is taking the lead.

those evenings that I was waiting for a call from Alex they were waiting in the living room talking about how he wasn’t going to call while I sat in the kitchen by the phone. It was so embarrassing because I knew that he would. They said, “he hasn’t called yet,” in other words, he wouldn’t. I had asked him to wait a few days before he called.

when he did, something weird happened, and it queered me in the worst way and I couldn’t get it out of my head and never did. I was stuck on that moment for 33 years. Still am. It’s the kind of thing my mother did and still tries to. She was so furious with me for finding a man. She so deeply sabotaged the relationship from the outset. It’s so hard to try to explain what she did and how it affected me. Claire was down the hall and walking into the laundry towards the apartment. They had just come in from somewhere. My mother walked into the kitchen where I was waiting for the phone call from Alex. He had just called in on call waiting when I was on the phone to a catalog company placing an order. I was waiting for him to call back.

My mother made a little curtsying move and said something stupid that I don’t remember but it harmed me. I was queered off the call. Now, I don’t even remember.

He spoke to me with a sexual innuendo that was rather rude. I didn’t know how to take it.

I am praying for God to retroactively interpolate a better moment way back then for that awful moment to be changed. My heart fell. I knew that it was risky to try to connect with this person but I thought that I could handle it. I didn’t realize the danger. I came up with all kinds of theories over the years about what happened at that moment but I couldn’t get over it. I felt that I was responsible for him and me not to get hurt by my family. I watched things spin out of control. Then all of a sudden I was pregnant. I was too sick to keep the baby. I had a bad feeling in my belly. I wanted to see a doctor but I didn’t have one. A phone call from an enemy prompted me to move towards getting an abortion like a mental kick in my belly.

I don’t know about these mental connections I’m making in my head right now. I always wondered about what on Earth that child would have been like if he had gone to term, would the Lord have let that happen, given the coffee, cigarettes, haldol, Tegretol, alcohol…? I felt so ill. I needed to see a doctor, if that person hadn’t called, I might have done so. I would have had a better head to know what to do. I ended up having the abortion in hatred, an awake procedure that was horrifying and I never recovered.

later, Alex said he “liked to keep a woman off balance in a relationship.”

I’m sure that my mother knew perfectly well what was going on, she thinks that abortion is the best thing since sliced bread.

That’s the thing about her she uses the power of suggestion, admittedly, right to your face, and also in an interior way.

so, Alex and I were screwed from the outset, but we hung on, until this very day.

We took off for a job in Texas and got married there, then moved once again to California, a saving move for us but, then, 2 years later, a beautiful baby! And we had to move back East to get family help. My mother was there on cue with my sister to louse things up and it stayed that way because of the Hopkins malpractice.