nccotus

…in other words, the Tampa Bay Area.

we were held for abuse there in the most serious way.

my psychiatrist/therapist in Maryland warned me about it but I wasn’t ready for it.

Dr. McRae in old Tampa, a lovely area, tried to step in and help but by then I was off the rails. He took me off Stelazine fast and put me on Abilify which escalated the Stelazine withdrawal and I all but lost my mind in fact, I did lose my mind. Ian wanted to come home that night so badly and I couldn’t let him. He had to stay with Joann. Who was like a step mother to him but she was fed up. The cops came three times that night and finally they took me. I also called the Department of Children and Families. On myself. It was a horrific situation.

I saw Feldman but he wasn’t able to help me. At least he didn’t commit me. This was all in about 36 hours.

I ended up at Morton Plant Hospital Psych Ward somehow and they kept me for about 3 weeks. I was in a desperate condition. That was the worst I have ever been. When I got out, Alex had roofers working on the house, so, at least I wasn’t alone. Even Ian got a little frustrated with me. It hurts to go back there in my head and look at those times.

way before that, I went to a domestic violence shelter. I had to get a haircut and I was turned away from a mall hair cutter. Someone at the shelter cut it for me and did a horrible job. My father thought it was funny. They got a lawyer and took Ian away from me both times I went to a dv shelter. It was exactly what I was trying to prevent—that they would use him as a pawn.

I ended up staying ant the shelter alone and getting help for myself. It was the only thing I could do.

I was blocked by ME in Florida. The apparatus. The contraption. The diagnostic nightmare. Desperate to reach motherhood with my mother throwing obstacles in my way. Desperate to find help for Ian. For his father situation. For his wanting to join boy scouts. For his wanting guitar lessons. For the things I so desperately wanted to do for him and just couldn’t. For always being late to pick him up from the airport on his way back from Allentown. For never knowing to pick him up from school in Tropical storm and Hurricane warning days. But here I am being about my lacks, in other words, about me. I so badly wanted to go to Pizza Hut for Sunshine Mathematics awards gift certificate meals and I just couldn’t, Alex worked out of town and I was afraid to go alone. I was a hack job as a mother. I see this as I look back and put this all together. But Ian did so well in the things he did do. Soccer and baseball in grade school and in private school. Science, he did the best science project ever in 3rd grade. And he always had the best birthday parties and got invited to everybody’s birthday parties. There was so much love there. And he was such a sweet kid.

today, he is a charming person.

he fell on some bad times through serious self-medicating that got out of hand. The transition to PA was hard on both of us. We got split up. By my mother. She out him at Kutztown University under her purvue for an while and got him out of touch from me that way. it’s the kind of thing she does. Now we are back in touch and I am glad he had the chance to do some college work.

In Florida, I was the wart-mole person at the worst ebb of her life, I was also very fat, I weighed 206 pounds. I suffered from hideous lower GI problems from 2093 to 2016 and was feeling depersonalized. Ian assisted with all of this, he was doing the house cleaning and laundry and did it without apparent resentment. He was always there with a steadying hand in social situations that I couldn’t have coped with otherwise. It was a nice life for us in that regard, he had a beautiful social life.

But I continued to be dunned and rejected. I wasn’t wanted at the supermarket in other words and I had a bad reputation for getting too close to my psych care providers and I was known as a schiz who refused to accept her diagnosis, even Ian thought this. It made it bad for him.