nccotus

…fragile containers…

where it started: the clamped catheter incident April 1986

the ghoul epiphany followed: I learned things about life and death that I was too young in my soul to know.

a posse outside my Black friend Brenda’s townhouse in Maryland in the 90’s. I lived down the row. I didn’t realize at the time how painful that was for her. See next drawing:

That’s me naively crossing behind the posse into Brenda’s house not understanding the trouble. She was such a salvation to my son when I as unable to help him.

in Florida I went into a sick, serious neurological stress phase which started with having an image of poking my finger up people’s asses in the supermarket line. Nit sound funny but it wasn’t. I said to my husband please kill me. Just kill me. It was just over. Next, as follows, insane psychotic bug phobia:

it lasted for years. Led to a horrible suicide attempt. Together with other things. 3 months worth of psych meds. I got brain damage but had to get out of bed and keep functioning. Ian got back from Utah. Damaged.

For a while recently my favorite expression was “botch.” I was going through a lot of that. It’s sort of like “wounded soldier.” You become a fragile container. Through a “botch epiphany.”

”This type of botch and many others survive on martinis and cocaine, the best clothing they can afford…oysters and sushi. This is the kind that got me all screwed up…. (I can’t read the rest).

CLGS Havarti

needs no explanation

still frozen on the slope…

mountains away from home…

playing card games in my mind to keep from falling asleep and freezing to death…

I realize now that aliens kept me warm. That is a long story for another time and place. I WAS briefly in an Allen ship.

knocked out and pissed on by the men at Haven Pagoda Unit. Dumped in the woods. A man and his dog found me and took me to the ER nearby. I was kept there for a while and then returned to Haven Tower Unit. My present proof of this at the time was the sinus infection from being out in the cold. I do have other positive proof. It was a wild time. Not as bitter as what followed when I wound up returning to TBH psych hospital in Reading twice, which has led me here.

It was about the CLAW on the Haven Pagoda Unit. I was out of control over it. I was talking about the Alien I saw and the CLAW was about being Clan of the Cat and I wouldn’t quit.

sweetness has been lost here. I used to write poetry.

now, I am a screamer, something a mother needs to be.

There will be peace in the end.