nccotus

bug phobia and aliens morph!

in the cottage at Springstone Hollow, I got scared that the aliens were jumping onto the native bugs and morphing into them. I ordered the cats to eat them. A year or more later I uncovered a nest of terrifying bugs, a cross between large ticks and spiders. One of them flew out. Another I caught and killed (above). I fled the place, which leads me to where I am today. You can’t see it clearly in this photo, but it looks like a little fetus.

I am taken back to my bug phobia years in Florida that continued in my return to PA in 2012. Bugs in Florida are weird. I shudder to remember. Some of it was real. I thought I had nits under the skin on my face. That was where it started. I was trying to treat both the apartment and the house for lice and there was nowhere to lay down. I was exhausted. That was the direct cause of the massive Klonopin overdose after the Obama/blog issue.

Then, it got so sick. There was a sewage water back-up. I don’t remember. I don’t want to. I was digging up crud in my hands and feet. Itchy places that had what seemed to be little bugs. I went to the ER at 5 in the morning and showed the doctor and he did not commit me. He gave me 2 antibiotics and referred me to a dermatologist.

I was so scared. I left the house in Seminole for good, stayed in a motel for 4 weeks, closed the divorce and came here to PA. I just can’t even talk about this. Here in PA I moved into a frightening apartment in downtown Easton. Where I picked up red body lice. I found out online exactly what they were. They affect homeless people. I continued to be phobic about nits on my skin. I thought I was digging them out all over my hands and arms. I was going out with bandaids all over me. My father finally talked me out of it about 3 times and it finally went away. But my hands and arms and face are covered with tiny white ragged scars.

It was a weird phase of my life.

There was some insect and alien stuff in my childhood that I don’t care to remember. Like getting dressed up in Martian costumes with a friend when I was 13. And getting bitten by a nasty spider at night when I was about 8. And playing with ants.

Somehow this all came together for me to be morphing into a person who once was saved by the beauty of literature at Kent School. In a way that led me to find salvation at the Harvard Advocate in college as discussed in a recent post. But mathematics was also beautiful to me in a way I couldn’t clearly see at the time. It all turned out to be way secondary to motherhood, something I couldn’t see at the time. We were such ignorant beings in the 80’s about women’s lib, trying to be as men, anyway, I was. I used to think I was like a lady knight, set apart to fight alongside the men.

Right now I’m not sure of anything. I am a weird being.