nccotus

talking wirh my father today in the car I explained my weirdness. To myself as well as him. I have s significant handicap in the weirdest way across so many basic levels of functioning. Like an autist I was brilliant at mathematics, especially geometry. I had a real gift. But i had a bizarre deficiency in economics, spatial relationships, common money matters, and sexuality. I cannot handle credit cards. I have a phenominal sense of direction but I have trouble with maps. I can’t be with people but I can’t be without them. It’s hard to explain. In her own way, my mother said, don’t try. But this had to be said. I finally understood my significant handicap as I talked with my father on the way home to this ALF today. I am not the same as others. Every case of organic personality is unique to the individual. There has been so much banal bullshit put out there about ne and it has been so cruel when the fact is that I have been struggling most of my life just to keep my head above water in one way or another.

it has been bad for my son and that is the worst harm that could come to me. Predatory people have been feeding on this situation. They turn him against me.

I have finally realized that it is really true that there is an element of a seizure disorder here that went unnoticed after it was recognized. We had to leave Texas where the lovely doctor there held out the hope of hat real diagnosis instead of the bullshit I was living with of “schizoaffective manic depressive, a mood disorder; you can still lead a meaningful life.”

what a mouthful! It blocked me at the outset and my mother preferred it hat way. I became unreachable.

I remember the night my brother kneed me in the car itch. I told my mother. She just walked away. I needed to lay down with a warm blanket or something.

All i can do is keep praying for relief and a better day.